PWI Update Archives

PWI UPDATE: OLDER ARCHIVES

THE TUESDAY MORNING TURN (May 30, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

It’s Memorial Day here in the U.S., signaling the unofficial start of summer. This is, in my opinion, the best time to be a wrestling fan. Basically, the time between WrestleMania and SummerSlam is arguably the finest WWE programming you will be treated to all year. With the rebirth of ECW, as well as the brand draft (which, according to my sources, is still on), WWE programming promises to be much more interesting. Or, at the very least different, which isn’t bad.

So, here’s to you, Sgt. Slaughter, and you too, G.I. Bro. I’ll miss you most of all, Tugboat; sure, I’m not entirely certain your gimmick was that of a naval seaman, but those skin-tight skivvies and sailor hat could only mean that you were an obese serviceman … right?

All kidding aside, it is important to recognize the selflessness of those who have served, and died, for the freedom of our country. I have nothing but the utmost respect for all who have courageously defended this nation; they are truly the fabric of what makes America great.

Fire up the grill, grab another cold beverage, plop the kids in front of the mosquito zapper, and enjoy “The Turn,” or as some call it, “Freedom Readin.”

* * *

General Malaise
Every so often, WWE announces on its Web site that Raw will be doing something new to start the program. For the past few days the company has teased that Mr. McMahon would be finally appointing a new general manager of Raw at the top of the program. Naturally—nay, foolishly—I was intrigued.

Mind you, I would be tuning in to Raw regardless of any gimmicky starts; heck, that’s what the good folks at PWI pay me millions to do. And, like a toddler on the night before his birthday, I got plenty excited at the possibilities. Who would it be? Dusty Rhodes? Steve Austin … again? What about Stephanie McMahon, an unfortunate victim of a drive-by immaculate conception (hey, if they don’t want us addressing it, don’t put her on television). See, the possibilities were … well, limited, but still, it could’ve been good, right?

So you can imagine my disappointment when Vinnie Mac dodged the situation once again, this time appointing the wonderfully boring Jonathan Coachman as his “executive assistant.” Now, by comparison, I’d rather watch “The Coach” than Mr. McMahon. However, that doesn’t mean he deserves to be thrust into the main storyline of the main WWE program. I recall a time many, many years ago when the top rulebreakers of the company were—get this—wrestlers. Not executives or announcers, but actual wrestlers.

Oh, by the way, the total time it took to get to this “announcement”: nine minutes. Ridiculous.

* * *

The Only Man Who Can Stop Kane Is …
In his pursuit to own every title that he should not be chasing, former tag champ Kane squared off with Intercontinental champion Shelton Benjamin in a well-paced bout that saw both men dominate the flow at points. Benjamin’s high intensity style was somewhat stymied by Kane, who menacingly stalked the champion throughout the contest, disrupting any offense the champion was able to muster.

Naturally, as soon as it appeared that Kane would turn the corner on his confusing, and relatively underwhelming, championship match, it was time for yet another head-scratching moment brought to you by the good folks at WWE. A “fake Kane” made his way down to the ring dressed in the monster’s traditional attire and chokeslammed “new Kane” straight to “fake Hell,” I believe. (I’ll have to check up on that.)

No doubt this is leading to an unmasking at some point that should explain the situation as well as bring a new feud to the forefront. This could be the start of something very entertaining, but only if next week Dr. Isaac Yankem attacks Kane. Hell, WWE could just keep going deeper into the past until it’s “zygote Kane” against “new Kane.” You heard it here first!

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Where Has She Been All My Life?
Beth Phoenix looked great in her Raw in-ring debut; she’s a very solid competitor with a technically sound and bruising style. Based on one match, she has solidified herself as, at least, the third best wrestler in the women’s division. So, why has she been stuck in Los Kentuckos for so long? With so many mediocre Divas stepping into the squared circle over the past year, it seems odd that we hadn’t seen Beth sooner.

Speaking of mediocre Divas, Candice Michelle should never be allowed near a wrestling ring again, period. The “aspiring dramatic actress” (her words, not mine) has two schlocky commercials to her name and now she’s hitting people with brutal elbowdrops. She brings absolutely nothing to professional wrestling. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but c’mon, she’s awful.

Also, why hasn’t anyone asked Beth what her beef is with Mickie? J.R. and King alluded to some heat between the newcomer and the champion. If they think people are tuning in to see how this plays out while the announce team teases it for weeks, WWE is even further away from the pulse of the fans than I initially thought.

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So Much For Unemployment
Following their dismissal from Smackdown, Johnny Nitro and the stunning Melina made their debut on Raw as the surprise opponent for Raw World champion John Cena. And while no one thought that Nitro had a shot against Cena, essentially this was a showcase match for those fans who may not get UPN where they live … or have never heard of Smackdown. It’s okay—WWE barely remembers when it’s on either.

Nitro could end up being a very nice addition to the Intercontinental title picture if given the chance. Hopefully, WWE won’t plop him into the dreadful tag “division” (I use that term lightly) merely because of his past tag success. Despite losing in what was basically a glorified squash, Nitro should have a nice future with the Monday-night brand.

RVD made his way to ringside before the match after taking exception to The King’s take on ECW and its fans. “Mr. Money-In-The-Bank” pulled up a chair at the announce table and jawed with Lawler under the guise of scouting Cena prior to their title match at One Night Stand.

Interestingly enough, the circular back-and-forth bickering between Lawler and RVD took away from the match itself and surely allowed the challenger no time to scout his opponent. For RVD, who I’m sure is an avid reader of this column, I’ve compiled a breakdown of Cena’s match. Here goes: bodyslam, punch, “Five-Knuckle Shuffle,” STFU, boos.

You’re welcome.

* * *

Were Podiums Really Necessary?
I actually scoured my massive brain for two people—other than Paul Heyman and Mick Foley—in WWE that I would rather see go head-to-head in an in-ring debate, and I could think of none.

Expecting little more than a glorified, 10-minute promo for the upcoming pay-per-view, I must admit that I was delightfully incorrect. Leave it to ECW to add a little bit of intrigue to WWE. Foley and Heyman took turns trading verbal shots at each other, with the hardcore legend claiming that the evil genius resented his success in WWE. Heyman, somewhat taken back, assured Foley that he didn’t resent the man’s success, but rather was disappointed with what he became—basically a gimmicky, comic-relief with a sock puppet, which naturally riled up the former World champion.

While that was all well and good, it was far from the best part of the segment. Heyman announced his two draft picks from the Raw and Smackdown brand to be Rob Van Dam and, shockingly, WWE’s go-to guy, Kurt Angle, who then made his way to the ring and decimated Foley. Angle will be joining ECW as part of a “new vision” for the hardcore brand. Apparently, whenever WWE needs to give a brand credibility, Angle is the man (recall, that’s why he was moved to Smackdown in the first place).

Rest assured, my fellow delinquents—Heyman insisted that ECW would still have all the obvious drug references and violence toward women that made it a household name for wholesome family entertainment.

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Heading In Opposite Directions
There comes a point where a wrestler goes from having potential to simply being a repeat main-eventer with no real shot at taking home the gold. Edge is creeping dangerously down that spectrum, as the 21-day former Raw World champion hasn’t done much along the lines of winning since his hardcore match victory over Mick Foley at WrestleMania 22. Despite remaining in the title picture, Edge has yet to show glimpses of the conniving opportunist that took the strap away from Cena at New Year’s Revolution.

Moving in the other direction, The Big Show went from jobbing to Kane to being considered for the number-one contender’s spot? Huh … how about that. I still dig Show, as he’s one of the most charismatic superstars in WWE today. He’s very watchable for a big man—most of the time—and someone who is easy to support. He’s probably not world championship material at this point in his career, but he’s definitely in the right spot now as a possible contender for the Raw World title.

Edge won what was an otherwise uneventful match last night, and reclaimed the spot of number-one contender. The Big Show will likely wander off into comedy wrestling obscurity as Edge bides the time until his next high-profile ass-kicking at the hands of John Cena/Triple-H/RVD.

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Trips/Squad
Trips was ordered to take on Kenny in a “Spirt Jack Match” (get it?! It’s like lumberjack, only with Spirit, instead! Brilliant! Ugh) where all of the remaining members of the Squad were posted around the ring to keep the former World champ in the ring. To make matters worse, Trips’ only friend—his trusty sledgehammer—was taken from him by Vinnie Mac.

Regardless of the odds, Trips dominated most of the match, as he obviously has more talent in one surgically repaired quad than the entire Squad, and only with double the ego to boot! The Squad broke out every dirty move in the book, including crotching “The Cerebral Assassin” on the ringpost and working over his knees while the ref was distracted.

In the end, however, it was Triple-H pulling out the surprising victory after nailing Kenny with a pedigree. Among the myriad questions this brought up to mind, the first was: Why was Hunter able to beat the Squad, whereas HBK was absolutely destroyed by them just one week ago? The interference was arguably similar, although The Squad was able to swarm HBK whereas they just took turns on Trips. Even still, “The Game” looked to be superhuman at points in this match, whereas HBK was portrayed as a courageous yet broken veteran.

Assuming for the sake of argument that Triple-H is indeed a god of sorts, I’m willing to look past my initial confusion. However, the second confusing moment of the main event actually made me angry the more I thought about it. Following the match, Vinnie Mac made his way to the top of the ramp and gleefully offered Trips a spot in the “kiss my ass” club, prompting fans around the world to mutter in unison, “Huh?”

See, what makes this so vexing is that the moronic “club” segment is usually reserved for down-on-their-luck people who are trying to get their job back and have no choice but to grovel at the posterior of Vince McMahon. Now, there’s been no mention of Trips losing his cushy gig, nor has there been any talk of him needing to beg for forgiveness (for nailing Shane with the hammer) on a weekly basis—so, what gives?

Basically, this reeks of Vinnie Mac desperately clinging to as much face time as he can possibly steal on Raw. Sure, he’s part of the major storyline—I get it—but now the storyline is starting to take that sharp turn to Makenosenseville. I have no doubt that this angle is going to get ugly before it gets better. What I’m even surer of is that Vince should keep his pasty ass—and pointless gimmicks—out of the spotlight.

IMPACT IMPLICATIONS (May 26, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

TNA, for the first time in my memory, opened last night’s edition of Impact with a disclaimer. The warning, and I’m paraphrasing, was along the lines of “this program will deal with themes of an adult nature.” This made absolutely no sense to me in hindsight for two reasons:

First, as much as TNA wants to portray itself as “family friendly entertainment,” it’s not—plain and simple. The promotion allows some discretion to its wrestlers along the lines of what type of adult-language it uses during promos. And, although the talent uses such language sparingly, it does use it. When was the last time you heard the Rev. Camden on 7th Heaven call someone a “son of a bitch”? If you ever saw the show, you correctly answered “never.”

Second, why bother putting a disclaimer on a program that airs at 11 p.m. on a weeknight? In addition to being far tamer than its competition, TNA airs during a time slot where those children for whom the program may be considered too racy, should be long asleep. Aside from Kevin Nash’s less-than-subtle genital reference, and Kip James’ homage to Brother Devon, there really wasn’t much that should make the show disclaimer-worthy.

So, basically, to my good friends at TNA—please, knock it off with the disclaimers until you actually have something to disclaim.

* * *

Kevin Nash Injury Watch: Week 2
The show kicked off with a four-way X division match won by TNA’s prodigal son, Senshi, who was revealed to be the man formerly known as Low-Ki. Of course, anyone who follows wrestling knew that Senshi is better known by his former moniker, yet I applaud TNA for acknowledging that fact rather than pretending he was a new, unknown commodity. That would be like painting a tattoo on a guy’s face, putting his hair in braids, and pretending he was an uncontrollable Islander from parts unknown … but I digress.

The action was fast and crisp, as all of the competitors were allowed to showcase their talent. The match set up what promised to be an up-tempo broadcast.

Enter the “Show-killa.”

Kevin Nash—looking less “Big Sexy” and more like a creepy uncle who hugs your girlfriend a little too long at the family gatherings—came to the ring and powerbombed Jay Lethal following the match. Resident parasite Alex Shelley videotaped the squash, as Nash rolled out his new catchphrase, “Size Matters,” referring—hopefully—to his towering stature over the X division wrestlers.
Nash has mentioned—as part of his current angle—that his TNA contract ends in October, meaning that he has roughly six months left to wreak havoc on the X division, as well as the ocular organs of wrestling fans everywhere. Hopefully, this is just a case of TNA squeezing the last out of an undeserved contract to a man nearly a decade past his prime. Shelley would be wise to distance himself from Nash, as this is shaping up to be a no-win situation.

Injury update: None to report, although it is believed that Mr. Nash nicked himself while shaving.

* * *

Wrestlers-turned-announcers-turned punch line, Konnan and LAX refused to wrestle because of the U.S. stance on immigration reform issues. Not only is this angle over-the-head of most wrestling fans, it’s tremendously boring to those of us that get it.

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It’s Time To Start Seeing Different Partners
Much like peanut butter and tuna fish, A.J. Styles and Christopher Daniels are pretty good apart, but together, umm … well … they’re not so good.

The combination of the X division legends seems, on paper, like a great idea, but, if living near a city that calls both Allen Iverson and Chris Webber its own, I can safely say that sometimes two superstars just don’t work well together in the long run. And, yes, while they have been losing their matches due mostly to outside interference (as did this match to The Diamonds in the Rough), my primary concern is that their styles are far too similar, and their vision shortsighted, for this duo to succeed.

At this point in both of their careers, each is better suited for singles competition. Both are tremendously talented. Tag team wrestling, however, requires a different mindset than singles competition. I just don’t see the drive and desire in Styles and Daniels to truly progress together as a team. My thoughts are such because it appears that this team is not in it for the long run. At any point this duo can—and likely will—go their separate ways and once again become instant contenders to whatever title they are chasing. Tag team wrestling just doesn’t seem as if it is the great passion for either man at this stage of their wrestling lives.

Conversely, Diamonds In The Rough—TNA’s forgotten tag team—are one of the most solid tandems in the promotion. I’m not saying they are title contenders right now—far from it, actually. But still, they are definitely worthy of a second look.

* * *

For the past two weeks, Christy Hemme has been featured in little more than pre-taped segments leading into commercials informing fans of almost exactly what the prior segment just previewed, and yet she still brings more to TNA programming than any of her fellow Playboy Playmates do for the company up north. Hemme proves that it is possible to be interesting in a limited role, even after everyone’s seen you nekkid. Candice Michelle should be taking notes, when she’s not busy touting how she longs to be taken seriously as an actress.

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Brown Out
My first reaction to seeing the triumphant return of Monty Brown cut short by a very surprising loss to Ron Killings in a “King Of The Mountain” qualifying match was one of utter disbelief. Here was the former number-one contender to the NWA World title, who, following a very impressive match with champion Christian Cage, was sidelined with a knee injury that required surgery. Naturally, it seemed that once he was ready to enter a six-sided ring, Brown would once again return to the top of the contender list and get a second chance at the strap. I mean, isn’t the old adage in sports that an injury doesn’t cost a player his spot in the starting lineup?

Understanding that professional wrestling does things a little different than mainstream sports, Brown not immediately reclaiming the number one contender's spot is not altogether shocking. But, to not even have him in the “King Of The Mountain” match is more than a bit perplexing. It’s always nice to see TNA push other talent—such as Killings—but Brown’s exclusion may do more harm to his position in the promotion’s roster than first thought.

Brown looked strong in his return to active competition, but a loss is still a loss, and this one was costly. “The Alpha Male” has dropped from number one to, at best, the number-five contender spot.

* * *

Did Hunter Write That?
Among the many things DeGeneration X did well, there was nothing more the rogue faction did betterthan winning titles and insulting foes. Whether it was spoofing the Nation of Domination or staving off the advances of a midget Bret Hart, the members of DX were experts at exploiting the personality quirks of their opponents.

Unfortunately, last night’s shot at Team 3D by The James Gang was ill-timed, dreadfully long, and flat out unfunny. The first sight of “Team 3D” immediately made me chuckle, as did the team’s insistence on being the “second best tag team” in wrestling history. The duo then went through its repertoire of trite catchphrases and overblown facial expressions that, again, wasn’t half-bad. Yet, the duo persisted and lost the fans shortly thereafter. The Impact Zone was as quiet as if Jeff Jarrett was … well … doing anything.

Basically, the segment was entertaining, but only in very small doses. While The James Gang are probably some of the promotion’s best mike workers, TNA has to make sure that segments like this are a rarity. If done correctly, spoof segments are the stuff of legends; however, if not, they can stop a show’s momentum as quick as, well, Kevin Nash.

THE TUESDAY MORNING TURN (May 23, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

Last night, as I was watching the Smackdown brand’s Judgment Day pay-per-view, it occurred to me that WWE truly has pioneered “sports entertainment,” although I wasn’t sure how until now. See, WWE’s brand of wrestling isn’t “sports entertainment,” but rather sports and entertainment. The Smackdown brand covers the “sport” part of it, with minimal storyline fodder and mindless backstage segments; Monday nights are reserved purely for entertainment, with as little actual wrestling as possible. That being the case, the campus of the University of Nevada at Las Vegas seems to be the perfect place for last night’s taping of Raw.

So, sit back, relax, cage up your white tigers, and enjoy “The Turn,” bringing you the best in pro wrestling journaltainment since January 2006.

Heyman Is God
Raw opened with Mick Foley attempting to not only revive the dormant hardcore championship, but then present said title to Edge, his newest protégé and, in my opinion, male crush. As Foley and Edge’s uncomfortable love fest progressed with each man praising the other’s accomplishments, and reluctant to accept the title, it seemed like someone needed to step in and breakup the situation, and fast.

And as the music hit, and the trench coat-clad figure, looking less and less like Silent Bob each time I see him, stepped through the curtain and onto the top of the ramp, all was well with the hardcore world. Paul Heyman would make everything okay … and he did just that.

For the few moments that we were treated to “Paul E.’s” twisted views, I nearly forgot that I was watching a commercial for ECW. Even after Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk were brought out to dismantle Foley and Edge, I found myself excited for what the ECW product could be. Sure, “complete creative control” doesn’t exist in WWE unless your last name is McMahon, but with an ounce of Heyman’s input, ECW could be the most watchable brand within months.

* * *

Now That’s Extremely Impressive
It may just be me, but I could probably watch RVD and Shelton Benjamin square off each week, regardless of the stakes, and happily look forward to what the following week would entail; the two are that damn good together.

WWE fans that were fortunate enough to catch Smackdown’s Judgment Day pay-per-view the night before were spoiled by this crazy, hand-to-hand combatty-thing known as “wrestling.” So, to see that WWE followed that up with a tad of this “wrestling” on Raw was a refreshing change of pace to, oh, I dunno, Snitsky worshipping Goldust’s feet or The Spirit Squad doing … well, anything at all.

Oh … what … both? … crap.

Creativity lapse aside, the RVD/Benjamin angle (which will be ending shortly) has been very entertaining as well as beneficial to both men. RVD is now a bona fide contender for the Raw World title, and Benjamin has solidified himself as the top I-C man on the brand in addition to finally finding a rulebreaking persona that works for him. Gone are the days of the pseudo-angry, thug-lite Benjamin (remember when Tim Duncan tried to be tough—yeah, kinda like that, except in spandex). His newer, pompous jerk persona is a much better fit.

* * *

ZZ Top … really? They’re in Vegas and the best they could scrape up was ZZ Top? What, was Whitesnake working a double at the Golden Nugget’s salad bar?

* * *

Now You Tell Shane You’re Sorry
For those of you who may have missed it, Triple-H did apologize to Vince McMahon for clobbering Shane O Mac in the skull with a sledgehammer, which drew the immediate ire of one Shawn Michaels. Michaels confronted Trips backstage and, among other things, called him a “sellout” for not only apologizing to McMahon, but also for agreeing to consummate the pact by this week pummeling HBK with the hammer following his match with the god-awful Spirit Squad.

Naturally, things did not go as planned and Hunter ended up destroying the Squad well after they had laid waste to “The Showstopper.” All signs are pointing to an inevitable—albeit brief—reunion of DeGeneration X, which got me wondering: Ccould a reunited Triple-H/HBK pairing be the greatest team in the history of the sport, let alone WWE? Much like The Four Horsemen of old, both men would be joining up at a point in their careers where they are approaching legendary status. Neither man really needs the other to boost his standing in the company, and both will undoubtedly go down as greats of this generation.

In short, this could be the start of the most powerful in-ring union since the Horsemen, Hogan and Savage, or even the Bossman and Akeem. All right, scratch that last one, but still, assuming it happens, this should be very fun, and possibly historic, while it lasts.

Pardon me while I take off my fancy editor’s cap and just enjoy the moment.

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The Bushnell Telescope “Saw It Coming From A Mile Away Award” Goes To …
Following his victory against Chris Masters, John Cena’s obligatory celebration was rudely interrupted by Rob Van Dam, who made his way to the ring to challenge the Raw World champ to a title match at ECW’s One Night Stand pay-per-view. RVD will cash in his “Money-In-The-Bank” title shot in front of a pro-ECW crowd, only to lose in a stunning upset.

In future news: Local Vanilla Ice impersonator John Cena was beaten to death by close to 4,000 “hardcore” wrestling fans who shelled out $200 a seat. His T-shirt sales have skyrocketed, and Rey Misterio Jr. has already added the “Five Knuckle Shuffle” to his moveset.

* * *

See No Movie
As Kane’s mask yelled at him from the TitanTron, I was compelled to look into all of the rosy figures that Jerry Lawler was so eloquently throwing at us regarding See No Evil’s opening weekend. Since “day one” I said that once See No Evil came out I would admit if my initial assessment—that it was going to be absolute garbage—was wrong. Here are the facts, draw your own conclusions:

•SNE made a reported $4.581-million in domestic box office sales, and cost $8-million to make. It showed on 1,257 screens, averaging $3,644 per screen for the weekend.

•It was the highest grossing horror film for the weekend of May 19-21, ahead of An American Haunting, which was released two weeks earlier (May 5), and actually showed on eight more screens (1,265) to average $1,169 per screen.

•The biggest stat WWE.com and Raw pushed was that SNE, “had the third highest per-theater revenue average of any movie this weekend, behind only The Da Vinci Code and Over The Hedge.”

This is technically true, but misleading. SNE finished sixth overall in terms of domestic gross over the weekend. Of the top six films, SNE aired on 1,200 fewer screens than the next closest film. So, while it is true that SNE averaged the most per screen, it aired on fewer screens and against films that had previously been released, meaning their best earning days were behind them. Against the other two movies that opened the same weekend—Da Vinci and Hedge—SNE didn’t even come close (nearly a $6,000 differential).

Basically, it beat up on films that had been out for a while and showed on fewer screens to beef up opening weekend numbers. Had it showed on 2,000 screens—which all other films in the top seven did, at a minimum—it likely wouldn’t have placed higher than fifth in per screen average.

I will admit, it did better than I thought it would, but still not as fantastic as WWE would have you believe.

And now you’re informed.

* * *

The “Also Rans” Of The Night
—Women’s champion Mickie James retained the title in a match with Torrie Wilson that saw Trish Stratus announce after the contest that Beth Phoenix was officially part of WWE and can now attack Mickie “legally.” For those of you wondering, WWE’s “legally” (attacking someone from behind and/or using a chair to incapacitate him) still is not applicable to your typical office setting.

—Viscera proposed to Lilian Garcia, rehashing a storyline that many fans—even those of us who watched it live—had long forgotten. Fortunately, my new favorite manager, Armando Alejandro Estrada, brought out “Samoa Joe Version 2” to pummel “Big Vis.” Gotta hand it to WWE—they sure know how to time a bathroom break.

—Carlito Caribbean Cool was teaching Maria how to help him cheat at cards when the duo came across a very dapper Snitsky who was anxiously waiting for a showgirl he met through a personal ad that ends up being the spawn of Dusty Rhodes’ loins in drag. I—and apparently WWE Creative—got nothing.

CHAMPION MISTERIO UPSET WINNER AT JUDGMENT DAY
(U.S. Airways Center Phoenix, AZ, May 21, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

M-N-M vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick
Even as the challengers took beating after beating, victory seemed all but a foregone conclusion. London and Kendrick entered Sunday night’s match riding the greatest hot streak of their career as a team; on the other side, M-N-M was a team in turmoil. Finger-pointing and a six-match (both tag and singles) losing streak to London and Kendrick had taken its toll on the Smackdown World tag team champs, leaving them more vulnerable than ever to defeat.

Still, the match was very entertaining. It’s nice to watch a tag match between two solid tag teams with no gimmicky stipulations or movies to promote; just the classic “good vs. bad” tag team title match. True, I still don’t get London and Kendrick’s angle, and, yes, they are a tad nutty for my liking, but they’re both tremendous in the ring, and worthy champions.

The majority of the battle saw both teams dictate the flow of the match, as well as land high-impact maneuvers. The finish came during a flurry of action that saw London sit through a pin attempt, into a bridge, and cover Joey Mercury for the three-count, giving the challengers the straps.

However, the fireworks had yet to come.

The M-N-M era officially came to an end following the loss, as Melina and Nitro turned against Mercury, the man they believed was responsible for the loss.

Chris Benoit vs. Finlay
On paper, the obvious advantage went to Benoit, as he is not only the best technical wrestler in the game today, but also can resort to the fisticuffs whenever necessary. Finlay’s pretty much a pure brawler at this point in his career. At least that’s what I thought prior to the match.

The pudgier of the former WCWers held his own, as most of the match was dominated by traditional mat wrestling. Sure, it doesn’t sell T-shirts, but for a wrestling enthusiast, this was the match of the night. There were no “Five Knuckle Shuffles,” not much of a “West Coast Pop”—just brutal, nasty wrestling.

As the match progressed, it became obvious that both men know each other very well. Each was able to anticipate the other’s moves and exploit his weaknesses. The back and forth flow came to an abrupt halt when Benoit slapped on his “Crippler Crossface.” to which Finlay almost immediately tapped out.

An interesting note: At one point, play-by-play man Michael Cole tried to make up for the fans’ silence by saying something to the effect that the punches and chops were so vicious that you could hear them throughout the arena. Not entirely true, but God bless him for trying. Yes, the two men brutally beat on one another. However, the fans really weren’t into the match for the most part, which is a shame.

Melina vs. Jillian Hall
You know, ever since Boogeyman bit that thing off Jillian’s face, she’s actually pretty attractive. Of course, I’m being sarcastic, as it was obvious that regardless of what WWE Creative had glued to Jillian’s head, she would still be a very attractive woman. What wasn’t obvious was just how adept she was in the ring. Jillian and Melina put on a very solid match, given their individual ring prowess and experience.

Jillian appeared to be the better trained of the two, as she was able to mix in some actual wrestling moves with the usual grabbing and clawing. On the other hand, Melina’s repertoire consisted almost exclusively of screaming, pulling hair, and standing on Jillian’s head. Jillian was able to secure the victory via pinfall, although it appeared that Melina had her hand on the bottom rope.

Still, this was a nice women’s match with two ladies who looked very comfortable in the ring with each other. My first instinct was to wonder why WWE would do another Diva search when it’s currently wasting these two competitors on the Friday night program?

Oh … wait … gratuitous partial nudity … that’s why. My bad.

Gregory Helms vs. Super Crazy
Cruiserweight champion Helms looked solid in his first pay-per-view action since severely breaking his nose in March. Also, Super Crazy looked fantastic for most of the match, despite being a mustache shy of being identical to Jack Black’s character in the upcoming film Nacho Libre.

The challenger appeared to have the upper hand at key points in the match, as well as much more enthusiasm than the champion. Perhaps nothing evidenced this more than Super Crazy’s excellent suicide dive over ref Nick Patrick and the top rope onto a stunned Helms on the arena floor.

Naturally, the newly rulrebreaking Helms would stop at nothing to retain the title and, unfortunately, the match ended controversially. Helms got the victory, covering the challenger with his feet on the middle ropes for leverage.

Despite an awful ending, this was still a very good match. Without a doubt, the Smackdown brand is the closest thing WWE has to TNA’s X division—basically, great cruiserweight and tag wrestling with a nice storyline backer. It’s apparent that in WWE, Smackdown is the “sports,” whereas Raw is the “entertainment.”

Just a friendly word of advice to WWE fans who attend shows: An “ECW” chant broke out a few times during this match and, as someone who lives in a city where “E-A-G-L-E-S” chants break out at everything from other sporting events to funerals and weddings, I can tell you this is going to get real annoying, real quick. So knock it off, unless you’re subject to an ECW in-ring promo, or at an ECW event.

Mark Henry vs. Kurt Angle
Henry’s plan of attack was to focus on the injured ribs of Angle, and “The World’s Strongest Man” did just that, and quite effectively. Angle was able to counter most of Henry’s onslaught, but the powerlifter’s raw strength was just too much for the injured superstar to handle. At one point, Angle slipped out of what appeared to be a powerslam and slapped on the anklelock, but Henry reversed it, flipping his opponent through the ropes to the arena floor. A strange sequence of events led to Henry winning the match by countout after throwing Angle into the ringpost and hitting him with a big splash, further injuring his ribs.

After the match, Angle took out Henry with a barrage of steel chair shots, followed by a grapevined anklelock. Finally, the Olympic champion nailed Henry with the “Angle Slam” onto the table (which did not break), followed by yet another chair shot. Henry fell forward through the table, which finally broke.

Henry, who re-upped with WWE recently despite a less-than-stellar 10 years with the company, stepped through the ropes as the menacing favorite after cracking Angle’s ribs last month.

I must admit I’ve come around on Henry. Sure, he’s still the greatest liability not named “Khali,” but he’s a great rulebreaker who has become adept at turning bad heat into fodder for his storyline. If Henry could only wrestle just a fraction—oh, and I’m talking in like “Gillberg
fractions”—he could actually be a reliable competitor.

On the other side of the ring there was Kurt Angle, arguably the best wrestler in the world, broken neck and all. The man could carry a match with everything from a corpse to … well … Mark Henry.

Bobby Lashley vs. Booker T
Booker T entered the finals of the King of the Ring tournament the underdog in everyone’s mind but his own. His opponent, Bobby Lashley, is a multidimensional Bill Goldberg. From a storyline perspective, he is the result of WWE failing with both Goldberg and Brock Lesnar. Fortunately, Creative has learned from those mistakes, and Lashley has not been rushed in his development. Last night’s match was undoubtedly the biggest of Lashley’s young WWE career and, unfortunately, it didn’t end well for the superstar.

Lashley looked phenomenal. The youngster was very commanding in his ring presence and played to the crowd perfectly. Of course, Booker’s no slouch himself. The contest had the interesting backdrop of one man nearing the end of his illustrious career, and the other on the cusp of superstardom.

The ending was nothing tremendously sexy, as Booker won the tournament after Finlay interfered and hit Lashley with his shillelagh, allowing Booker to gain the pinfall. Sadly, it seems like Booker hasn’t won a match on his own since WCW. Still, the “Five-Time WCW Champion” is one of the all-time greats, and is likely nearing the end of his legendary career. Lashley has plenty of time to become great, but last night was Booker’s time to shine.

The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali
The Great Khali, or, as I like to call him “Giant Gonzales 2006,” mixes a steady combination of chops and kicks, with kicks and even more chops. The Undertaker, much like Angle, can make anyone look good, but he had his work cut out for him last night.

There was no real wrestling by Khali as he is most comfortable lumbering around the ring, pausing only for the occasional chop, punch, or clothesline.

’Taker spent the entire match selling all of Khali’s “moves” (ie. chops and grunts), making the giant appear to be invulnerable, and a miracle of modern sports. Shockingly, ’Taker lost cleanly following a running kick to the head.

The Great Khali is terrifying, and not for the reasons WWE Creative would have you believe. Wrestling is an art form, a science. The phrase ring technician—which is thrown around way too often—is used for a reason. Wrestlers are trained tacticians, the best of which can win a match by wearing down and overtaking an opponent when he’s at his weakest. Men like Khali, while physically amazing, should not be in a ring until they are ready to dance the dance with men such as The Undertaker. Size does not equal talent in this business. Last night’s victory for Khali just reinforces WWE’s deserved criticism of pushing big men without any discernable talent to the moon.

Rey Misterio Jr. vs. John Bradshaw Layfield
To say that JBL controlled the pace of the match would be an understatement, as the self-proclaimed “American Hero” appeared to decimate the champion. Yet, as with every Rey Misterio match, it seemed like he could shock the world and pull off a victory in a split second.

JBL did his usual routine of taunting minorities as well as Eddie Guerrero—you know, real classy stuff. The challenger appeared to have the match wrapped up many times over, as he pummeled Misterio from ramp to ringpost. However, JBL’s pride and arrogance forced him to take the Smackdown World champion less seriously than he should have, and eventually cost him the title.

During one of the few times Misterio was able to muster offense, the champion hit his patented 619 on a stunned JBL. He then tried to leap from top rope onto the challenger, but the crafty U.S. champ pushed the referee in front of the leaping Misterio, knocking out referee Nick Patrick. Alternate referee Charles Robinson came down to the ring only to be knocked out by JBL after not making the three-count.

The match ended quickly thereafter, as JBL had a steel chair kicked into his head, which allowed Misterio to hit yet another 619, this time followed by Guerrero’s trademark frogsplash. Misterio made the cover to retain the title. The house went crazy as the underdog champion once again defied the odds to retain.

Rey Misterio is, and will remain, one of the most entertaining and electrifying wrestlers to ever step into a ring. However, the feel-good moment of WrestleMania 22 is now going into month two. It was cute, but now it’s time to let the big boys play with the big gold belt. Not that JBL would’ve been a better champion, but think about this: Misterio has held a world title longer than the more charismatic Edge, who reigned over the top brand on the flagship program for only three weeks.

IMPACT IMPLICATIONS (May 19, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

Another week of Impact with potentially great (yes, I said “great”) storyline potential that is ruined by the wonder that is the Internet. TNA continues to run angles that, even with the slightest modicum of surprise should rival—nay surpass—most of the stuff WWE does. However, taking Impact for what it is, last night’s show was still very good, as TNA builds feuds heading into its Slamiversary pay-per-view in June.

* * *

Kings Of The Mountain
Apparently every heavyweight on the TNA roster feels he has a claim to being a serious contender to the NWA World championship. Last night, champion Christian Cage called out the four men he would face in the “King Of The Mountain” match at next month’s Slamiversary pay-per-view.

As quickly as you could say “did they really trot out Buff Bagwell last week?” the Impact Zone was filled with eager competitors. The list read as follows: Monty Brown (returning to TNA television following knee surgery), Rhino, Abyss, Ron Killings, Raven, Jeff Jarrett, Scott Steiner, and, in the rafters, the man known as Sting. It was then announced that qualifying matches would take place between the competitors to determine the four men that would go on to challenge for the World title at Slamiversary.

This is really quite a clever, albeit unoriginal, move. It ensures that for at least the next few weeks (four to be exact) the fans will be treated to some interesting, main-event worthy matches. Also, the pairings will not be announced until before each match, which makes for some interesting television.

Unless of course you have discovered the Internet, in which case you already knew that Rhino was getting the axe in round one (see below).

Ooops … should’ve been a “spoiler alert” there.

* * *

Laptop Trick #1
Much like the creation of the potato chip, I discovered this use for my laptop completely by accident. Try this at home: Next time Jeff Jarrett and/or Scott Steiner insist on speaking, try placing your laptop to your left hand side. They generally keep Gail Kim on their left, or the right of your television screen.

If done correctly, you can actually cut Jarrett and Steiner out and stare at the lovely Miss Kim for the duration of their ridiculously longwinded, amazingly pointless promos. Enjoy!

* * *

Just What Is A “Booty Daddy”?
Samoa Joe and Scott Steiner faced off once again prior to Joe’s match against Chase Stevens of The Naturals. And it got me thinking, head-to-head, one-on-one, mano-a-freakishly large mano, who would win?

My decision: In a straight-up wrestling match, I will take Joe anytime, any day, anywhere, hands-down. In a crazy-bastard contest, I’ll go with “Big Poppa Pump.”

Eh? Am I right or what? He’s nuts, right? Did you see the way he snapped on Don West last night? Cuckoo! Who’s with me?! No one?

Please don’t kill me, Mr. Steiner.

* * *

Say It Ain’t So, Ko
I came across a picture of Konnan the other day as I was scouring the vast PWI photo archives and, I must say, at one point in his career the guy was jacked! He looked really tough and very impressive.

I only say this because when I see Konnan as part of the first faction ever created solely for “Spanish announce team” purposes, a little piece of my childhood dies. It’s time for Konnan to step away from the game and pull a Taz, as I’m pretty sure there aren’t many more elderly men to challenge.

* * *

A Lil’ Bit O’ Homerism
Detroit, Michigan’s own Chris Sabin—arguably riding the biggest hot streak of any X division wrestler from the mainland—finished off Windsor, Ontario’s Petey Williams to secure the World X Cup for the good, ol’ U-S of A. This is the second consecutive X Cup for the United States contingent (2004, 2006—there was no tournament in 2005).

This only goes to show that the United States—and specifically the great city of Detroit—produces the best pound-for-pound professional wrestlers in the entire world. But, unfortunately, the jubilation was short-lived, as “Big Sexy-Daddy-Cool-Diesel-Vegas” Kevin Nash attacked Sabin and destroyed the championship trophy.

Nash looked surprisingly svelte in his return to the Impact Zone. Still, I’m going to open the floor to guesses as to which body part he injures first. I’ll go double if you can tell me how he does it or a timeframe for when we should expect it. I’ll start:

Biceps or triceps … lacing his boots … by Memorial Day

* * *

It’s good to see “The Franchise” Shane Douglas make his return, albeit a brief one, to the Impact Zone. He’s had it rough as of late and I for one am glad to see he’s been able to deal with his demons and hopefully make a return to TNA television.

* * *

Good Call, Bad Call
—During a backstage segment, Team 3D cut a promo on how being extreme seems to be a big thing lately. As if they were speaking directly to Paul Heyman and Tommy Dreamer, the former ECWers seemed to put everyone’s concerns of a hardcore revival as eloquently as possible. Brother Ray, speaking for the team, indicated that maybe “it” should just stay “dead and buried.” The segment was very impressive and only goes to show why Team 3D remains, without a doubt, one of the best pairings in the sport’s history.
Judgment: Good Call

—Spike TV’s new on-screen logo is eerily reminiscent of TBS’ during their days in the “wrasslin business.” WCW guys … the South … actual wrestling … the similarities are already too much.
Judgment: Bad Call

—By my count, a commercial for WWE Films’ See No Evil (starring a surprisingly feisty Isaac Yankem, DDS, and a bunch of visually appealing “teenage” actors) ran five times during Impact last night. Not a bad move by WWE to buy up airtime during the competitor’s show, but what’s the point? Those who were going to see it probably made the decision prior to last night. It’s like writing questions in a letter.
Judgment: Push

* * *

“King Of The Mountain” Qualifier Standings
“The Monster” Abyss defeated Rhino with the help of outside interference from Scott D’Amore. The KOTM match, at this very early stage, looks as such:

Christian Cage (C)
Abyss

There are still three qualifying matches remaining to determine the final competitors. Check back here each week for the updated list of participants, as well as—once we have a few more—the odds (as determined by a team of wrestling analysts) of winning for each.

THE TUESDAY MORNING TURN (May 16, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

It must be May sweeps, as even WWE is going with the classic “cliffhanger” angles commonly used on network television programs. Who exactly is Trish’s new friend Beth, and how did Mickie James screw her over? Did Triple-H mean something when he told HBK he wanted to “see this coming” prior to missing Shawn with a sledgehammer shot to the head, connecting instead with Shane McMahon? How much longer will be subject to the likes of Umaga and Eugene?

All that, and ECW, on the next Raw. Well, probably not the next one … get a comfy seat, these angles could last a while; that may not be a terrible thing.

* * *

Now, I’m Impressed
It’s funny, Vince was right. For once, the chairman was actually dead-on regarding one of his alleged “upgrades.” For those of you who missed it, Raw was slated to start with yet another World championship match between Triple-H and John Cena. Mr. McMahon made his way to the ring and announced that the match that would be a five-man “Texas Tornado Championship Match” with both the Intercontinental and Raw World title on the line. Throw in RVD, Shelton Benjamin and Chris Masters and the fans were actually treated to a fantastic start to Raw.

The pace of action was excellent as, for the most part, the contenders to the respective titles squared off with each other. All five competitors would battle each other eventually, however the focus on the match was definitely to further the existing feuds.

It was pretty much a foregone conclusion from the start of the match that it was set up specifically to screw Triple-H out of his fiftieth title shot in the past month or so. That prophecy held true as Shelton Benjamin regained the IC title, covering RVD a split second sooner than Hunter was able to fall down on Cena. Naturally, the referee made the count for Benjamin, and was duly pedigreed for his efforts.

Even still, the match was extremely entertaining and definitely a great way to advance a potential McMahon family feud-DeGeneration X reunion. Well done, by everyone involved—great wrestling and a great storyline tie-in … is this Thursday night?

* * *

With all due respect to WWE Creative, and I mean this in the nicest possible way … seriously, I do … but I’m certain that Beth Phoenix could kick the crap out of 60 percent of the Raw roster, male or female (that translates to roughly 90 percent of the current Smackdown roster). She’s like a very attractive Chyna and—I must say—I’m intrigued.

* * *

What The Funk?
The ECW teaser reached week number three, as hardcore legends Mick Foley and Terry Funk met in the ring with Funk demanding his protégé explain why he turned against Tommy Dreamer and sided with Edge on last week’s Raw.

For the most part, it was a classic promo between the two, with Funk referring to Foley as a “son.” Foley questioned why Funk didn’t show up for Foley’s retirement ceremony on Raw three years earlier, alleging that he was a no-show because of the money. Fast forward about three minutes and Funk—pulling his best George Costanza retort—called
Foley’s wife a “whore” leading to bedlam. Foley was joined by Edge and the two dismantled Funk in front of a heavily partisan Texas crowd.

This will no doubt lead to a match at ECW’s One Night Stand II in June, with Edge being one of the first acknowledged crossover WWE stars to compete on the ECW pay-per-view. He’s not a bad choice as he’s evil enough to get over with the fans, and talented enough to work a solid match. However, ECW fans beware … this could very likely be the start of the WWE contingent at ONS II.

* * *

Anatomy Of A Feud
I thought it would be fun to continue on with recent examinations of, at least in my opinion, the worst angles on Raw in an effort to chart their progress or, at the very least, provide us all with a blueprint of how to bore the boots of 15,000 Texans in one arena.

Striker vs. Eugene vs. Carlito
Fresh off the heels of a very entertaining three-way feud between Edge, Triple-H, and John Cena, WWE felt it was necessary to try the formula again with these three superstars.

That’s a shame.

Carlito was apparently unavailable for last night’s Raw as the most entertaining member of this trio was relegated to a sexually suggestive backstage interview/T-shirt advertisement with the beautifully dim Maria Kanelis. On the plus side, Eugene pretended to be an airplane and wore an oversized foam cowboy hat … now that’s creative!

Spirit Squad vs. Snitsky & Goldust
The Spirit Squad retained the Raw World tag team titles by defeating a team that rose through the ranks and clawed their way into the “number one contender’s” slot, only to see their hopes dashed in an instant. Fortunately for Snitsky and Goldust the walk to the back of the line is not long as they are the second of two tag teams on the Raw roster.

This will go down in WWE history as the first time that losing a match actually was beneficial to a competitor’s a spot in a title hunt. Oh … wait … allow me to amend that. The first time someone not named “Hunter,” “Hearst,” and/or “Helmsley” lost and thus maintained their status. My bad.

Umaga vs. Chris “God I Hope My Folks Are Taping This” Wellman
The best thing about Umaga’s current place in WWE: Being treated to a fun, old-fashioned rulebreaking manager like Armando Alejandro Estrada.

The worst thing about Umaga’s current place in WWE: Umaga’s current place in WWE.

Also, it looks like the moniker “Samoan Bulldozer” will show up on a T-shirt in a city near you any day now. Still, as far as island machinery goes, I’ll take a “Samoan Submission Machine” any day of the week.

* * *

Apparently Shane’s The Only One Who Didn’t See It Coming
Shawn Michaels took on the cheerleader formerly-known-as Kenny Doane in a grudge match with Shane McMahon as the special guest referee and a sledgehammer wielding Triple-H in the Squad member’s corner. Everything was set for an HBK bloodletting of epic proportions.

It was an interesting night for Trips to have the shakes.

The back-and-forth action eventually turned in favor of Kenny thanks to ample assistance from the “referee.” Shane had used his belt to choke HBK to the point of unconsciousness, and held up the battered superstar to give Trips a huge target with his hammer. Although everyone who had ever seen a minute of professional wrestling in the past knew that HBK would duck, allowing Trips to nail Shane with the hammer I can honestly say I sat there anticipating the worst. Still, HBK ducked, Shane was leveled, and Trips walked to the back as a terrified Vince—who rushed to the ring—cradled his son in his arms. Predictable, but awesome nonetheless.

* * *

Corrections: Two things were brought to my attention after last week’s “Turn” was posted.

First, I made a mistake in quoting Homer Simpson as delivering a classic line that was in fact uttered by Principal Skinner. My deepest apologies to my fellow Simpsons fans; I will make certain in the future to run any quips regarding anything outside of wrestling through our crack team of fact checkers.

Second, the “Turn” can count a celebrity among its fans. The above error was pointed out to me by Connecticut-renowned DJ Allan Lamberti of 95.9 “The Fox” FM—“Fairfield County's ONLY Classic Rock Station with 50 Minutes of Classic Rock Every Hour.”

First it’s a classic-rock station in the “Constitution State,” next it will be the world! Or maybe Rhode Island … that seems a bit more manageable.

IMPACT IMPLICATIONS (May 11, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

The folks at Impact are at the top of their games—in my opinion—when they are building storylines and backing it up with solid wrestling. Sure, that seems like the equation for any promotion to follow if it intends on building an audience. However, it’s far easier said than done. Last night, Impact masterfully pulled off both tasks, as well as made the world’s worst-kept secret appear—well—very entertaining.

* * *

Tables, Ladders, and Egos
It’s nice to see that The James Gang finally returned to actually wrestling rather than basking in the shadow of a 66-year-old “Bullet” Bob Armstrong. Two of the greatest tag teams in the history of the sport will meet this Sunday at Sacrifice when The James Gang, sans geriatrics, takes on Team 3D, which is conspicuously missing Brother Runt already. The winning team will be crowned number one contenders to the NWA World tag team championship.

Both teams showcased the aspect of their games that truly made them stars—their ability to cut a helluva promo. The majority of the verbal jousting was done by B.G. James and Brother Ray and mixed the perfect amount of pre-match buildup with just a hint of “Wow, he actually said what we were thinking!”

While the contest likely will not end up being considered a Match of the Year candidate, it will showcase four wrestlers who helped shape what tag team wrestling is in today’s industry. Individually, none of them is particularly compelling; as teammates they are all legends.

Sure, I say all this now, and the match will end with interference by the “Bullet,” who will challenge Runt to a duel, or arm-wrestling contest, or something that will bring the show to a grinding halt.

* * *

World X Cup Update
Here are the most recent standings following Team USA captain Chris Sabin’s (perhaps the most underrated wrestler in TNA) pinfall victory over Team Mexico’s Puma last night on Impact:

Team USA: 5 points
Team Mexico: 2 points
Team Canada: 0 points
Team Japan: 0 points

The finals of the World X Cup Tournament will take place this Sunday night during Sacrifice, as Round 2 will conclude with a match between Petey Williams (CAN) and Jushin Liger (JPN). The final round will be an “International Gauntlet Match” with the winner (the man who gains the final pinfall or submission) gaining 5 points for his team, and the runner-up scoring an additional 2 for his group.

And, yes, just as I figured out how the tournament is scored, the damn thing is over. This is a great idea and features some of the world’s top cruiserweight talent, but it felt rushed and confusing.

* * *

It’s amazing: Each time I see a commercial for See No Evil during Impact’s time slot, I also go into a psychotic rage … or is it an epileptic seizure? Either way, not good. The commercial aired, at least here in the Philadelphia market, four times over the course of an hour-long program.

It’s an interesting business strategy. I assume WWE bought the airtime to entice TNA’s fan base to shell out roughly seven dollars for 84 minutes of crap (that’s 12 cents per each crap-filled minute, for you math types out there). However, I thought WWE’s company line was that TNA really had no audience? Interesting.

* * *

Be Him Ever So Humble
Kevin Nash, for me at least, falls into the Shane McMahon category; I really want to dislike him knowing what I know, but he still entertains me every time I see him. This time Nash did something so subtle that it may have been lost on some fans. To you fans who missed it, don’t worry, I’m here to explain it to you. It’s why I get paid the big buck to do what I do.

As Nash proceeded to dress down TNA’s X division—going as far as to promise that he’ll “destroy what gave TNA its identity”—one could only assume that his feelings were not entirely rooted in his angle. Nash has historically been critical of smaller, X division-type wrestlers, which has allegedly been the cause of tension between him and many top stars of today. This was what ran through my mind as I watched Nash’s “worked” interview, and, naturally, I got angry.

I was angry because Nash had apparently gone from being the smooth-talking, quick-witted Outsider to what appeared to be a bitter, injury-prone curmudgeon. Imagine Triple-H in about 15 years after an angrier and oilier young punk that taken WWE by storm. Yeah, that kind of bitter.

Just when I was ready to write Nash off as a victim of his own success, he hit us with a seemingly off-the-cuff remark to interviewer Alex Shelley. Shelley was telling Nash what the unofficial motto of the X division was, and mentioned that he didn’t create it. Nash, in mid-sentence, stopped himself and said that Shelley should always take credit for things, even if he didn’t create them. Nash also referred to the ambiguous chart, drawn in blue marker, that proved how big a draw he was in his heyday. It was classic-Nash, and for a minute I forgot all the bad things I had ever heard about him. Then he mentioned he would be returning at Sacrifice on Sunday. I’ll get back to you after that.

* * *

I will openly admit that I am, and have been for sometime, a fan of Christian Cage. I think he’s a smart wrestler who can be tremendously entertaining when he’s handed a microphone.

However, I just find it funny that last night, while Abyss was absolutely decimating Chase Stevens, the NWA World champion waited until “The Monster” was good-and-done with the young grappler before attacking his enemy. Shouldn’t the champ make the save in a situation like that?

* * *

Joe’s Gonna Kill Youse
Sting announced to the world that at Sacrifice he will be partnering with Samoa Joe in a tag team matchup against Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner. This is obviously a great choice for The Stinger, as his previous options would’ve failed miserably. In the time it would’ve taken to remove the foot of Buff Bagwell from the backside of Rick Steiner for nearly crippling him, TNA management could have found Sting a new partner, or figured out why whatever tracking device is planted in Lex Luger screwed up the PPV satellite feed. Just a huge mess all around.

Stinger really sold his introduction of Joe as his partner, playing up the angle that it was just some no-name former bouncer. Despite knowing for nearly a month (thank you, Internet) that it was Joe, I still found myself drawn to the segment like the naïve, wide-eyed fan I am and always will be.

The selection of Joe is not only exciting, but very interesting as well. This may be the start of a turn for Joe as an official fan favorite, rather than the cult icon he’s become. Conversely, I wouldn’t put it past “The Samoan Submission Machine” to turn against his partner, thus starting an angle between the two. The possibilities are endless, with the only certainty being that both Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner will say something completely out-of-date and confusing.

* * *

A Disappointing Threesome Is Possible
The main event of the evening scared me beyond words, but I shall try my best to articulate my concerns.

Last night’s match pitting AMW and Bobby Roode against A.J. Style, Chris Daniels, and Rhino was fairly innocuous on all accounts, as there’s really nothing to fight for outside of pride in this mini-feud. The match ended when Jackie Gayda threw coffee in the face of Chris Harris, allowing Rhino to hit the gore and cover for him the pin. Perhaps it was the blasé nature of the pairings in the contest that is the basis for my concern.

What kind of a message does it send out to fans when Daniels, Styles, and Rhino are teamed to face AMW and Roode in a six-man tag match? While multiple-man tag contests are nothing new for TNA, last night’s main event sent a cold chill down my spine. Maybe it’s me, but I’m slowly getting the impression that TNA is unsure of what to do with Styles, Daniels, and Rhino, and if that’s true, it’s not good.

Now, of course, it’s possible that this is just a temporary thing that will lead to something more interesting in the future. In fact, given their track record, I’m willing to give TNA the benefit of the doubt. However, if this trio continues to wrestle in random, meaningless matches past this weekend’s pay-per-view, my concern is likely to resurface.

THE TUESDAY MORNING TURN (May 9, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

It occurred to me the other day that I’ve been doing more griping about the quality of Raw than praising it in recent weeks. For some, there’s really no other way to describe the “product” Vinnie Mac and Co. puts out on a weekly basis.

I do try to point out the good done by WWE when, and if, I see it. Watching nearly every minute of every hour of every week of WWE programming—including Web programming—does take its toll on a guy. Additionally, I try not to take out awful storyline decisions on the wrestlers—most of them have little to no voice when it comes to the direction of their angles; for those who do have that power, I point that out as well.

Basically, I try to call things as I see them when it comes to Raw. The program that is unofficially the flagship of the professional wrestling promotion should set the standard by which all other companies follow. Bashing WWE purely for the purpose of bashing WWE, well, that’s just too trendy for my liking. Plus, I won’t waste your time here dissecting the easy stuff. Hence the Eugene-Striker angle generally will take up a line of on-line print. If it’s crap, you don’t need me to throw witticisms around to point it out to you. Unlike WWE Creative, I believe fans are smarter than that.

Okay, that last part may have been a tad below the belt.

The purpose of my mini-diatribe here is twofold. First, I feel it’s important to be upfront with you, my fellow fans. It’s easy to insult some of the garbage that WWE puts out there; yet it’s a far more challenging a task to find the good in things. I won’t force it either way. My second purpose is to make it clear how high I set the bar for WWE programming. The company has to do a helluva lot to impress me.

Last night it nearly cleared the bar without really trying.

* * *

In Good Hands
When Rob Van Dam is either forced to, or just drops, the Intercontinental title prior to his first WWE world title reign (yeah, I’ll say it), he will be leaving Raw’s coveted second title in great hands. Last night’s fatal four-way match between RVD, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, and Chris Masters showed just how promising the WWE Intercontinental title picture is.

Each of the three challengers seems very capable of singlehandedly carrying the Intercontinental strap. All right, maybe not so much Masters, but he’s getting there, and working with the likes of Haas and Benjamin will only make him better.

The match itself was quite entertaining. The champion retained the strap after hitting a tremendous springboard from the top rope onto Masters, who had Haas cinched in his “Masterlock” finisher.

If Creative proceeds wisely with the current batch of talent, the Intercontinental division could end up becoming the closest thing to a WWE X division, only with bigger names. Who am I kidding? Chavo Guerrero will have the title in a month.

* * *

sub·tle (adj.)
1. So slight as to be difficult to detect or describe; elusive: a subtle smile.
2. Able to make fine distinctions: a subtle mind.
3. Not the teasing of heat between Triple-H and Vince, RVD and John Cena: The teasers of future storylines was not subtle.

* * *

Oops … The “Big Hair” Guy Is Carlito
There are only two possible explanations that I can think of to explain Carlito’s involvement in the dreadful Eugene-Matt Striker storyline. Try these on:

a) WWE is so confident of Carlito’s skill and future standing with the company that he was added to carry what would otherwise be a truly painful feud to watch, or

b) WWE Creative confused Chris Masters and Carlito. You’ll have to forgive them, as apparently they’re not big on the whole “wrestling” thing.

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The best angle of the past month: Joey Styles’ fantastic promo leading to the return of the legendary (yes, it actually works in his case) Jim Ross. That, my friends, is what we in the writing industry call a “win-win” situation.

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Avoid The Red Light District
I’m not sure whether it was the slow natural gas leak in my apartment, but I could’ve sworn I saw a fairly entertaining match between The Big Show and Kane. Wait … that can’t be right. Still, I swear I saw a few seconds of mat wrestling as well as a hammerlock or two. No … that can’t be.

What I do recall seeing is the ridiculous “is-it-happening-here-or-in-his-head” red lighting that seems to mysteriously appear, spinning Kane off into a world of insanity and violence. Kane proceeded to get angry and decimate Show with a series of chair shots. Eh, works for me at this point.

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Anything You Can Do I Can Do Nuttier
Apparently, the stalker has become the stalkee, as someone from Mickie James’ past attacked the women’s champion following her victory over Maria Kanelis, a most worthy, partially nude challenger.

Who is this mysterious figure from Mickie’s past, of which we know very little? Paraphrasing the words of the immortal Homer Simpson, let’s call her “Beth P.”—no, that’s too obvious—how about “B. Phoenix”? Whatever she’s known as, the addition of this mysterious blonde means that the women’s division may not be dead yet.

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Is Andy Reid Booking?
Oh, Dear God … and I mean the real God, not Shawn Michaels’ tag team partner … I get it now. In fact, I’m a bit embarrassed it took me as long as it did. Jeers to me and my usually reliable brain. Let me clue you in as to why I’m disappointed in myself:

Large, Samoan wrestler runs roughshod over lesser opponents with a combination of bonecrushing fisticuffs and the occasional wrestling move. No one can seem to stop him as he relentlessly cuts through a path of competitors. Familiar?

Much like the Philadelphia Eagles philosophy on wide receiving, WWE apparently believes that its system is so good that it can plug anyone in to fill a role many believe is necessary to success. Here, Jamaga (Jamal + Umaga = funny) will be playing the role of Samoa Joe.

You know, I’m not entirely sure, but I think that WWE referring to Umaga as “The Samoan Bulldozer” is a direct slap in not only the face of TNA, but also of those of us who rely on being witty to pay our student loans. Weak … very, very weak.

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Now THAT’S … Confusing
What was once a pointless feud between Edge and Mick Foley became very poignant last night. Mick Foley, the hardcore legend, apparently turned against the fans that cheered him ever so loudly and will revert to his rulebreaking ways. Now, I say “apparently” because the fans in the arena were just as confused as I was at home.

The hardcore match between Foley and Edge turned into a three-way contest when Tommy Dreamer—pushing the new ECW brand to death—was introduced. The confusion came when—really, without any explanation—Foley turned against Dreamer, much to the fans’ confusion.

No offense to Tommy Dreamer; in fact, I like the guy. However, if WWE was going to turn Foley rulebreaker, why not do it against someone the fans can both recognize and sympathize with? My guess: It’s a ploy. Foley is ECW and he’ll play up the fact that he’s trying to fight off the insurgent brand, prior to siding with it.

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You’ve heard it here nearly every week since the group first appeared on Raw. Yet the unheeded pleas and warnings of fans everywhere fell on deaf ears as The Spirit Squad officially crossed into the realm of “bad heat” last night. Good luck recovering from that angle, fellas. And bravo, WWE—usually it takes twice as long to severely damage that many careers.

THE TUESDAY MORNING TURN (May 2, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

For the first time in quite a while, WWE dedicated nearly the entire two hours of Raw to promoting, and building the storylines of, its mid-card talent. While few would actually tune in to watch two hours of The Spirit Squad take on Eugene each week, last night was a nice change of pace to the current direction of WWE’s flagship program. Come with me, won’t you, for a brief glimpse into the bizarro WWE.

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Promote These Men
In order to spend more time relaxing—and shamelessly groping a woman (Candice) two years younger than his daughter—after his hard fought victory over HBK and “God,” Mr. McMahon appointed The Spirit Squad as general managers for the evening. The Squad had complete control over making matches and constructing angles for the evening.

During their two hours as WWE executives, The Spirit Squad:
—Sparked Joey Styles abrupt depature (more on that later)

—Pummeled three jobbers (Snitsky, Goldust, Eugene) in a six-man tag team match

—Got the ambiguously gay Rob Conway decimated by Oscar-nominee* Kane

—Competed for the WWE championship, while inadvertently igniting a potential reunion of WWE’s greatest stable

I’d say that’s a heck of an evening and, sadly, the best booking WWE has seen in quite some time. Thank you, Spirit Squad … now go away.

*Editor’s note: Kane was never nominated for an Oscar as his movie will likely suck. Also, the opinions expressed by me do accurately reflect that of our editorial staff, although not of the magazines. Wrap your minds around that one.

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And Now For Something Completely Different
Tired of the same, old regurgitated storylines? Sure, we all are. Here’s a few of the new, mid-card feuds WWE is currently building for future angles. No, they’re not Flair-Steamboat, but at least they’re different.

Matt Striker vs. Eugene: Matt Striker may end up regretting when he called out Eugene this past Sunday night at Backlash. On Sunday Striker got a booger in the mouth for his troubles; Monday Eugene was beaten with a dictionary. This will likely pan out to be the classic goofball-straightman angle and, better yet, short.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Charlie Haas: The names of the competitors alone should send a tingle up the spine of pure wrestling enthusiasts. Throw in the duo’s history together, and we’ve got a downright excellent feud in the making. I’m loving Haas back in a WWE ring and Benjamin is becoming—dare I say it—a believable rulebreaker. Should be a good one.

Mickie James vs. Maria Kanelis: This began with Maria’s controversial pinfall—with the assistance of an injured Trish Stratus—over Mickie earlier in the evening during the Divas’ cheerleader match. Mickie retaliated by attacking Maria during her “Kiss Cam” segment. Sure, this shouldn’t be much from a wrestling standpoint, but a little eye-candy now and then isn’t exactly a bad thing.

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With All That Sizzle, Who Needs The Steak?
Sure, I could make any number of “meathead” jokes here, but, believe it or not, I come to praise Chris Masters, not to bury him. I still refuse to hammer “The Masterpiece” for his lack of ring prowess, primarily because I want the kid to succeed. He’s got all the tools—you know, aside from wrestling ability—to become a huge star in this industry.

Suddenly, prior to the start of his tag team bout last night involving RVD, Carlito, and Benjamin, I realized that Masters has already succeeded well beyond expectations. The 23-year- old superstar reached the pinnacle of the sport the second he stepped between the ropes and into a WWE ring. Masters is a regular part of WWE programming, he’s competed at WrestleMania, and had a world title shot in the Elimination Chamber at New Year’s Revolution—and he’s done all this relying on a chiseled physique … and a full-nelson.

Masters may never become a great wrestler—hell, he may never become a good wrestler—but the kid is already a success regardless. Depending on which school of thought you come from, he’s either an entertaining overachiever, or all that’s wrong with WWE. I’ll choose the former … for now.

* * *

He Shoots, He Scores … BIG
Recent speculation regarding a possible resurrection of the ECW brand appears to have some validity to it. While it has yet to be officially announced by WWE, all signs are pointing toward the most popular of all hardcore promotions making a triumphant return to the wrestling landscape.

Last night, during his interview segment, Edge confronted hardcore legend—and former ECWer—Mick Foley. Naturally, the discussion revolved around the world’s current socio-political climate, as well as the oil crisis and the Bush administration’s handling of it. Wait … crap … I flipped over to MSNBC. Ahhh-k … here we go. Actually, Edge and Foley built up a hardcore WrestleMania rematch to be held on Raw next week, during a segment wrought with plenty of ECW references.

However, the ECW moment of the evening came later when the voice of the promotion—and former PWI intern—Joey Styles lost “it.” I’m not exactly sure what “it” is, and, gauging his tirade, neither was Joey.

The embittered announcer was essentially thrust in to a no-win situation when he was brought in to replace the legendary Jim Ross at Raw’s announce table. Styles’ impeccable knack for calling wrestling matches was wasted in the storyline-based WWE. With rumors circulating of Styles’ growing disdain for his place in the company, last night’s humiliation at the hands of both The Spirit Squad (wanting him to dress as a cheerleader next week to atone for a lack of “spirit”) and Jerry Lawler (goading him into a physical altercation) proved to be the final straw.

After leaving the ring area, Styles returned to the top of the entrance ramp soon thereafter and began a classic, ECW-esque, Joey Styles “shoot” on the state of the company. Nothing was sacred, as Styles attacked some of the company’s ridiculous storylines, as well as the chairman himself. Styles tore into the notion of “sports entertainment” being more important than “professional wrestling” before insulting the fans and announcing his resignation from WWE.

Basically, for one beautiful three-minute span, Styles was the voice of every disgruntled fan.

If it does return full-time, there is little doubt that many will shun the ECW product primarily because WWE’s fingerprints will be all over it. Others—myself included—look forward to a possible rebirth of ECW, regardless of who signs the paychecks. No doubt Styles’ diatribe was more work than shoot, however I’m certain that the “spirit” of it was not too far from what the man actually believed.

For now, Joey Styles my new favorite person in the entire world … ever. Okay, maybe that’s overstating it just a bit, but he’s definitely in the top 10,000.

CENA, RVD SHINE AT WWE BACKLASH (Rupp Arena, Lexington, KY, April 30, 2006)

By Frank Ingiosi

Chris Masters vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Jerry Lawler pointed out that this may have been the most important match on the Backlash card, and in some way he may be right. Sure, he overstated it just a bit, but any match between two of the Raw brand’s top young stars is sure to have implications for the future, especially when one is teetering on the edge of becoming unwatchable.

I’m not going to hammer Chris Masters, as so many of my peers have taken to doing. Yes, he’s not the most fluid or technically sound wrestler in the industry today. And, no, he doesn’t seem to be getting better, but he’s young, tremendously strong, and has the fans hating him at every stop. Unfortunately, it’s that last element that is the problem.

Masters’ loss at Backlash only goes to make the wildly popular Carlito even more so, and push Masters further down the Raw roster. While it may be a good thing for Masters to not be as high profile as his former tag team partner, it’s never a positive to lose at a pay-per-view. Masters can’t afford to fall too much further, or else he’ll be headlining Heat by the fall—assuming WWE doesn’t kill it off by then and bring back WCW.

Ric Flair vs. Umaga
Ever see Of Mice And Men … what about Old Yeller? If not, let’s just say that both have endings that—well—would have even the most grizzled of wrestling fans teary-eyed.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still a huge Ric Flair mark. Well aware that the 16-time world champion is more novelty than legitimate title contender means very little to me. But last night at Backlash it occurred to me that the “Nature Boy’s” time has not only passed, it may have been over for quite some time.

As the referee’s hand came down for the three-count, thus giving Umaga the victory, fans of the “Nature Boy” everywhere likely shared the same reaction I did. And, man, it was sad. Arguably the greatest world champion in the history of the sport is being used to put over preliminary talent, a job traditionally reserved for greats like Barry Horowitz or The Brooklyn Brawler.

It’s time for the “Nature Boy” to hang up the gaudy robes and strut off into the sunset. Of course, he should be a part of wrestling—WWE or otherwise—until he chooses not to be, but not as an active competitor.

It’s time to take Old Yeller behind the shed … and make him general manager, again.

Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James
Mickie James retained the women’s championship, defeating Trish Stratus at Backlash last night via disqualification. And for the first time—possibly ever—I found myself longing for the technical wizardry of a pillow-fight.

Chair shot? Nah. Outside interference? Not this time. No, last night at Backlash, Mickie dropped the match to Trish by simply not breaking a chokehold after a five-count. Trish apparently suffered a separated shoulder following an ugly fall from the ringpost to the floor below. Rather than take advantage of Trish’s injury—as she did at WrestleMania 22—Mickie choked the former champion until the ref called for the bell.

Raw’s most bizarre angle took a turn for the downright boring, and, unfortunately, it set the women’s division back about three years.

Rob Van Dam vs. Shelton Benjamin
For fans of gimmicky promos and a limited repertoire of moves, this was your chance to catch up on past editions of “The Tuesday Morning Turn,” finish working on that WrestleMania VI diorama you’ve been working on, or maybe just flex in front of your hallway mirror.

For the rest of us, this was by far the match of the evening. Arguably the company’s two best pure athletes, RVD and Benjamin put on a match that almost made me forget that I paid $34.95 to watch Vince McMahon dodge special effects (more on that later).

Benjamin was confident and strong throughout, dictating the flow of most of the match. RVD never seemed to get his bearings, as Benjamin was able to land one huge-impact move after another. Unfortunately for the Intercontinental champion, he ran into a wrestler on the hottest streak of anyone in WWE.

The ending of the match really detracted from how entertaining it truly was. Taking advantage of a situation that saw the referee temporarily injured, RVD kicked his briefcase into Benjamin’s face, allowing him to nail the five-star frog splash and capture the Intercontinental title. Regardless of the hurried finish, the match showcased why both of these wrestlers are considered two of Raw’s finest and are worthy of a bigger portion of WWE programming.

Kane vs. The Big Show
True to form, WWE followed up a very entertaining, technically entertaining match with—what else—two behemoths with roughly a half-dozen actual wrestling moves between the two of them.

As if the action wasn’t bad enough—and trust me it was—just when it appeared it may become an actual match, WWE once again hit us with the steel chair that is cross-promotion. Picture this: The arena falls under a strange red hue and the sounds—that apparently are within Kane’s head—are played over the sound system.

The Big Show and the referee proceeded as if nothing was However, announcers Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler the red light and voices. As if it wasn’t confusing—and pointless—enough, Kane writhed around on the mat, struggling with either the torment in his mind, or the realization of the awful, awful angle he’d gotten himself into. Mercifully, Show took a steel chair and put Kane out of his misery.

It’s come to the point where Kane should really just tattoo “May 19” on his back a la every “GoldenPalace.com” shill in boxing.

Wow … that was awful. The voices in my head say, “This sucks.”

Shawn Michaels & God vs. Vince & Shane McMahon
The unofficial “Passion Of The Showstoppa” was not the technical masterpiece one may have expected. In an interesting piece of strategy, God failed to show up for the match, leaving HBK to ward off the attacks of both Mr. McMahon as well as the product of his loins. Sensing that God was not willing to participate in the match—as well as taunting a spotlight that was meant to represent the omnipresent One—Mr. McMahon declared the match to be a no-holds-barred contest.

Filled with ridiculous bumps and a copious amount of blood, the match was overall not that great, while still remaining tremendously entertaining. HBK and Shane carried most of the match after Vince was driven from the top of the ramp on to a very well-placed pile of foam padding. The chairman performed admirably, yet deferred to his younger, more entertaining spawn.

The contest had its share of highspots, most notably, Vince’s leap from the stage. The finish came shortly after HBK lined up both Vince and Shane on tables and retrieved the same huge ladder from which he leapt at ’Mania. Instead of landing on the supine McMahons, HBK dove from the ladder to the arena floor and onto The Spirit Squad, which was attempting to intervene on their boss’ behalf. The World tag team champions quickly took advantage of the five-on-one mismatch and threw HBK through a table, allowing Vince to gain the easy pinfall victory, and pull yet another fast one on God.

It’s officially time for this angle to end, or at least take a drastic turn. Shane is often visibly disturbed with his father’s “God Complex,” so it may be possible for him to break ranks and disagree with the messiah of “McMahonism.”